there is this stereotype of artists that conceives that many go insane over time. some blame overexposure to chemicals, and others to an overactive mind. i'm not sure where the truth lies in this notion, but i have to tell you that i literally feel like i'm going crazy. i don't mean that i'm in a really busy season or that i have some emotionally taxing situation, i mean that i think i'm actually going crazy. i can't explain it all here in writing, or even in speech, but certain things have been happening for the past few months that really make me question my sanity. for example, just yesterday i was driving home to my parent's house- the house i lived in for somewhere around 17 years, the freeway exit that i've taken hundreds of times- and somewhere between upcoming holiday gifts and photography ideas i realized that i had passed my exit... 15 miles ago. and lately at work when i have to clock in, it will deny me access and then i'll see that i punched in my exact numbers, but in reverse or in a mirror image on the keyboard. or i'll be reading, and when a sentence doesn't make sense i'll go back and re-read it a few times only to discover that the single word that disrupted the entire sentence flow is in fact 4 lines below.
part of me wants to blame the high fevers from my tango with malaria and the brain cells that were lost as a result. another part thinks the darkroom chemicals are to blame. i don't feel overloaded and i'm not especially stressed out.
let me be real with you, when we were in sudan (how many sentences will i begin with that phrase in my lifetime?), i peed the bed. yep, as a 22 year old, i peed the bed. now, speaking of malaria, the hallucinations that accompany this disease are totally to blame for my midnight soiree with the mattress. i actually believed i was in a bathroom (um, ok fevers of 103 and life threatening disease here!). anyways, my point is that i've been having those dreams again. they haunted me for months after the pee incident. this dream where i am in a bathroom peeing, and then i partially wake up and realize that i'm actually still in bed. the only "accident" happened when i was sick, but i had surreal feeling every time i actually did go to pee, a fear that i might be dreaming instead. well, i had the dream last night and had to feel the sheets underneath me to make sure everything was still kosher (which it was).
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sometimes its funny feeling crazy,and sometimes it's scary. ive tried calling someone only to realize i was dialing my social security number. once i forgot how to talk or what i was going to say and couldnt get a sentence out. sometimes i go to start praying and instead say 'ABCDEFG'. i'll start over and do it again! aaagh. katie once woke up from a nap, ate breakfast got ready for school and drove 25minutes to campus only then to realize it was 9pm, not 8 in the morning. she didn't even realize it was so dark outside.
anyway. malaria, chemicals, normal brain twitches... a combo of it all maybe. i'll pray for you. i like my crazy stories but when they initially happen i freak out and its no fun... xoxo
and ya hi, i like to leave you paragraph long comments. ahem.
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